i am you – a page from my journal

Please stop looking at me like that your gaze stab and bleed me, it hurts so bad but I know I can’t put my thoughts into words or explain anything to you before I get all rallied up in emotions, you that can understand it all but don’t want to; you that are the society of which I am a part too.

I understand you are sad to see me in such a sorry state but are you “sad”? Isn’t it acceptable anymore for a person to fall sick; being vulnerable is what a human is I am a human seems you are don’t know or accept the sad part of reality; makes me question are you really that delusional.

You start your sympathy speech every time telling me but then pretend I am deaf for a moment and direct all you have to say to my parents don’t you know how hurt they feel for what parents wish hardship for their children.  You speak of how hard my life will be now, its ok you speak the truth but who knows of the future quit telling me my survival my fight is useless if you can’t make my faith stronger my belief in hope please don’t make me believe in darkness.

One stumble in life, an ill turn of fate was all you required to see me in a new light through a biased glass. You took all my achievements stripped me of all the respect and love I had earned, put me naked on a podium for display. Sometimes I think you waited for all this patiently, sadness in your words but do I see happiness in your eyes.

I shrink with pain the steps I force myself to walk I fall, fail yet I walk.

It’s said everything in life happens for a reason. I’ve seen none till now, wonder what will I see but I know none even you won’t speak of me with pity but you will celebrate my life and I won’t let anything come in my way to achieve what I have always set my eyes on, no matter disability or no disability. I am not perfect but who are we kidding neither are you.

Written some 5 years ago when I just struggling to accept my new identity as Srijana the girl with a “strange” walking disability.

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13 thoughts on “i am you – a page from my journal

  1. albert says:

    I was feeling appropriately understanding and compassionate as I read, Srijana — until I came to the last sentence, and realized that I am not unlike the persons your refer to above. Amazing how a 5-year-old journal entry can speak so forcefully to a far-away person who doesn’t know any of the circumstances or details that moved you to write this.

    Do you know why you decided to post it now? I suspect that you are stronger than others could have imagined. It sounds to me that you are.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Srijana says:

      I happened to see a play the name of the theatre is “change”in Nepali it was a play advocating the use of organic food.in the play they showed a girl who had a very loving and caring mother, the girl had some disability of some sorts ,they portrayed a very negative image of the girl .The way she was dressed up ,lipstick smeared all over her face her hair unkempt with a piece of ribbon sticking out.and every time she entered the stage laughter was heard from the audience.the ladies sitting around n behind me were saying , correct! Those people are like this only and using lots of bad words. Aren’t the media powerful they showing such a negative image is proving the wrong right It’s equal to tellingme again again like earlier,my future is dark .this saddens me so much this is no western world here we have to prove and fight everyday with invisible monsters everyday

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